allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
