Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
