You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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