Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
