I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
