We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
