Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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