I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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