She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
