was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
