I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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