her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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