The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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