he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
