i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
