True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
