This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
