a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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