i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
