What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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