Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
