the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
