sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
