i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
