what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
