Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
