You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
did i just pee glitter
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
