Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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