so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
