I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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