found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
