You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
