WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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