My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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