final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
