it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
