every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
