Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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