Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
