I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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