so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
