I didn't shave. On purpose
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
