Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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