is your mom at the bar?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
