Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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