so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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