I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
