There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
