How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
