Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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