Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
